There are four primary Greek words for love that express the wide range of meanings of that term, whereas we only have one in English. The words are not like mathematical words with exact meanings, like the square root of nine is three. Instead, relational words have lots of overlap and shades of meaning that make them challenging to interpret without context.
The following are the four words Greek words with a “nonmathematical” definition.
- Agape: A sacrificial love
- Storge: A family love
- Phileo: A friendship love
- Eros: A physical love
Scripture only uses agape and phileo to describe love relationships; however, the other two expressions are evident in the narratives even without using the word. Our Christian culture focuses primarily on agape love, both in how God loves us and how we are to love God and others. John is the New Testament writer where the love theme is the most prevalent. He is the one who informs us that God loves the world (John3:16) and spends most of his first letter explaining the importance of agape love.
We often overlook or minimize the importance of phileo love in our relationship with both God and each other. Several passages draw attention to the differences between agape and phileo. The most familiar is the dialogue between Peter and Christ after the resurrection. Jesus asks Peter if he loves (agape) him, and Peter responds with, “You know I love (phileo) you.” In 2 Peter 1, Peter instructs us to add to our faith certain traits. The final two traits are phileo and agape love. It is clear by their juxtaposition that there is a distinction, and both have importance.
In our journey of discipleship, we begin based on the agape love of God, which is unmerited, sacrificial, and universal. But discipleship also includes phileo love. Without friendship love, we will miss an essential experience for which we are designed.
Friendship love exists within the Trinity (John 5:20) and surprisingly is part of our faith-based relationship with God. During Christ’s final days with his disciples, he said, “For the Father Himself loves (phileo) you, because you have loved (phileo) Me and have believed that I came forth from the Father” (John 16:27).
Scripture refers to only a few people as friends of God: Abraham, Moses, David, and Lazarus. Yet Jesus said this to the disciples in the upper room, “You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). Christ now extends the privilege of friendship to his disciples.
Notice that the friendship between Christ with his disciples resulted from following him for three-plus years. This friendship was not automatic but the result of the disciple’s alignment with Christ and his kingdom. It is Christ’s relationship with a certified disciple. (See TAD blog 34)
It is an amazing and humbling thought that God wants both an agape and phileo relationship with us. Friends enjoy being together just for the benefit of the company. Friends often hang out together with no agenda. A frequent picture of discipleship is where Christ rides with us as we try to pass our driver’s license exam. He is the cop with the clipboard, looking for infractions so he can either pass or fail us. But the friendship (phileo) love implies he enjoys riding along with us, not as a cop, but for the pleasure of our company.
The thought that Christ is emotionally attracted to us and wants to be with us because he likes us may be a new idea. Friendship implies he likes us because he made us and because of what we are becoming, even with our flaws. His friendship love celebrates progress, not just perfection. Friendship love implies our relationship is a source of joy to him.
Friendship with Christ, however, is not one of equals. His friendship does not make him my “buddy.” He remains the sovereign Creator, and I remain his creation. The writer of Hebrews says that we can come into his presence boldly; it does not say casually or irreverently.
Friendship love is also critical to our interpersonal relationships. Sadly, most of us have many acquaintances but too few friends. The narrative of David and Johnathan in the books of 1 and 2 Samuel gives a beautiful picture of friendship love. Not only did they support and encourage each other, but they also didn’t compare or compete with each other. Their friendship was not judgmental or critical; it was indifferent to either position or power.
After reflecting on friendship love from the perspective of Scripture and life experience, here are several observations:
1. Friends accept each other the way they are while celebrating what they are becoming without comparison, competition, or criticism. Friendship removes the “if only” from the relationship. It does not mean friends are naïve about each other’s weaknesses, but the imperfections do not hinder the relationship. Friends can sometimes be brutally honest and say it like it is, but their honesty is therapeutic, not condescending or judgmental (Proverbs 27:6).
2. Friends invest in each other’s emotional bank account, limiting withdrawals and maximizing deposits. We each have an emotional checking account where deposits and withdrawals are constantly made. The balance in that account affects our emotional well-being. For example, when more is withdrawn than deposited, we can feel discouraged, depressed, or angry.
Many sources have checkbooks on our account: events, spouse, children, health, God, and friends. Each of them is making deposits or withdrawals every day. So when we are having a “good day,” it probably means that our emotional checking account has a strong balance; more is coming in than going out. Interestingly, the value of a deposit or withdrawal (from whatever source) is determined by the exchange ratio we give it.
.
Friends are vital since they make more deposits than withdrawals, and we give them a generous exchange ratio. For example, if a friend does ten things wrong but one thing right, we think, “See, they really do care for me.” But if a non-friend does ten things right and one wrong, we think, “See, they don’t really like me.” Friends get the benefit of the doubt.
3. Friends forgive forward. When a friend forgets our birthday, we simply choose not to be offended. When friends are short, rude, ill-tempered, we don’t complain but instead think, “this too will pass.” With a friend, we are not easily offended.
4. Friends are reliably consistent. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times; a brother is born for adversity.” Friends show up — when we are celebrating or hurting. We know that when we make a 911 call to a friend in the middle of the night, we will be met with, “What’s going on and how can I help?”
Webster defined friendship as “One who is attached to another by affection; one who entertains for another sentiments of esteem, respect and affection, which lead him to desire his company, and to seek to promote his happiness and prosperity.” One of my favorite friendship quotes is, “A friend overlooks your broken fence and admires your garden.”
For Reflection
1. What were the friendship factors between David and Johnathan?
2. What are the other qualities of deep friendships?